Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
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Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
I put the hot in psychotic.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Breaking news:
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras