Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
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Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
*frowns in Scottish*
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL