Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
You Might Also Like
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!