Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
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My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
#polloftheday
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
tinder is all about the long game
courtroom exchange of the day
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.