iPhone X
You Might Also Like
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.