Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
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If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
this is the best day of my life
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow