WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
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Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
When the stylist spins you back around
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.