WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
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“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead