WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
You Might Also Like
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834