“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
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it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.