wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
You Might Also Like
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Meat Cute
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch