Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
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Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?