I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
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Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt