Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
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when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
oh my gosh!!
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”