Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
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A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!