Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
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“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857