Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
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Unimpressed
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Feel. He’s so soft.