Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
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Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind