wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
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Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.