Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
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7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.