WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
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Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Black Friday “markdowns” like
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
kitchen magnet
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.