WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
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Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
2 years later
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS