@joeyhuggles: Wifey is giving me the Silent Treatment for spending the entire night on Twitter. Win/Win, you guys... Win/Win.
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@turd_firebird: If you really wanna piss someone off when introducing them, make little finger quotation marks in the air when announcing their job title.
@TheDailySchmuck: Top Five Creepy Things: 5) Dark and stormy nights 4) Spiders 3) Cars with eyelashes 2) Decaf drinkers 1) People who take one bite of cake
@ScottFilmCritic: If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.