@joeyhuggles: Wifey is giving me the Silent Treatment for spending the entire night on Twitter. Win/Win, you guys... Win/Win.
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@ibid78: [my 1st day as a doctor] I can't find a pulse [patient] that's a trashcan. I'm over here [me] hold on, I think this trashcan is dying
@SaraMansford: I wish scientists could make us as indestructible as cartoons. I've got a list of people I'd like to drop an anvil on.
@badbanana: Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
@Boo_berries_: Kidnapper: Pay up or I'll leak your nudes Me: So what? K: Then I'll tweet your drafts M: Ok don't do anything crazy we can work this out