Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
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“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.