My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
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You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?