Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
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I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?