Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
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New comic up. “Ransom”
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Seems a bit forward
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
This is my pinned tweet
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.