Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
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This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray