If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
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9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.