Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
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66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.