interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
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[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense