@TweetingDadGuy: Wild horses could definitely drag me away. Tame horses could too. A slightly muscular hamster probably could drag me away at this point.
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@RuinMyWeek: [God & his assistant making giraffes] ASST: Say "when" once the neck is long enough, k? *God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
@BuckyIsotope: Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
@GrantTanaka: [son sees me sleeping outside] son: did you call mom the n word again me: but she IS a nagger
@bazecraze: Morpheus: "You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and--" Me: "Blue pill."