007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
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I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n