unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
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What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Nice try Hitler
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
black phone good
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.