Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
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I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.