Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
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There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
“The Perfect Relationship”
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
I was just discussing this with my cat
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
bro what is going on at twitter
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.