No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
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“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?