Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
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Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.