[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
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Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*