Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep