Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
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If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
wow he looks just like him
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”