Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
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Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
My safe word is Worcestershire
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak