“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
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“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”