@lloydrang: Will I. Am's headstone will read "Will I. Was," completing history's longest set-up to a punchline
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@jerryRenek: Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
@StymieBrewer: Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
@SteveSuckington: Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness? Me: [wearing my wife's wedding dress] laundry