“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
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I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel