Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
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who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
It’s actually Dr. whatever
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.