Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
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Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.