Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
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Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
This sounds bad:
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.