“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
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8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.