You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
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Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
How your email finds me
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.