“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
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Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.